There's the Red Cross tips and then there's mine.
1. Making the Hurricane Season run from June 1 to December 1 is a big fat government conspiracy to sell more batteries and flashlights. Most hurricanes happen from August 1 to mid-October. But down here in Louisiana they start scaring the pants off the newcomers around June 1. Who wonder why the natives are so nonchalant.
2. Buy a place in Arkansas. No one knows it’s there. It usually only gets a few remnants of hurricanes and few tornadoes. As far as we know, they are willing to sell to Louisiana residents. Don’t ask foolish questions about homestead exemptions and how to pay off the assessors. Have some couth.
3. Don’t stash more than $400 in cash in your house. Your kids will find it and use it to fund their video game or drug addiction. It is better to keep uncashed traveler’s checks around the house. Those are harder to cash in.
4. Don’t buy a gas powered generator unless you have a death wish. You won’t be able to buy gas if the power is out more than 2 days anyway. Once you have seen the neighborhood drunks playing with theirs, you will be glad that you can stay stinking drunk as long as the power is out.
5. Don’t live near trees. Don’t live near drunks. Don’t live near bodies of water. All of these are hazards during hurricanes.
6. Don’t start any home improvements in August.
7. Drugs you probably have at home. Anti-histamines are good for sleeping. If you bought one that brags that it is non-drowsy, double up on the dose. Small children can take a double dose of liquid pain medicine in emergencies. Never give aspirin to anyone under 16. If you have that good decongestant, that can be used to ward off anxiety. Since you will be burning candles, buy some that have pleasant scents. It will fight the smell of your nearest and dearest. See dangerous scents, below.
8. Place candles where there are no curtains or unstable objects. Place them beyond the reach of your stupid cats who enjoy jumping on things.
9. Flashlights take D batteries. Keep a stock of 12 D batteries in the house starting August 1. They will evaporate from the stores before a storm. Also keep the flashlights in decent condition. Batteries go corrosive in flashlights, so you may want to keep half of the flashlights empty, ready for a storm.
10. Do not burn candles with names like “relaxation and stress reduction” to burn during a power outage. If you go to sleep from the candle, you may wake up in flames. Once again, don’t leave them by the bed or where your cats can get to them.
11. Gas ovens and gas water heaters usually work during a storm, but you will have to have matches to light the pilot light on the stove.
12. Watch the door so that the cats do not escape. They are thrilled that you are home for days and slightly dazed by the lack of tv and lights. The door becomes their main entertainment outlet.
13. Before the storm, wash all your laundry and all your towels. Towels that are dry are wonderful when you have taken the third shower of the day in an attempt to keep from stinking like your neighbors. If the sun comes out, dry the towels outside.
14. Refrigerators are sources of strange and awful odors in power outages. Stash lots of ice and containers of water in the freezer. Move perishables into the freezer when the power goes out. You will have to throw things out after a day, but you might be able to save some cheese or ham.
15. The Iceman Cometh is a good play to read when the power is out. Seek out breezes.
16. You can recharge phone batteries in your car if you filled it up before the storm. Also, it is a source of air conditioning when your nerves are frayed.
17. Expect stupid arguments. Hide the knives.
18. Cheese in a can and a box of crackers is a delightful meal that requires no utensils. You did hide the knives, didn't you?
19. Buy tuna. You can take it to the food bank or eat it.
20. Manual can openers are a source of endless consumer research. The $1 kind can be handled by most people. The $3 kind presents challenges to some. The $15 kind seem to present few difficulties.
21. Buy lots of paper towels and toilet paper. No one will tell you to, but when you are all home for days, strange shortages occur and odd pools of water appear under the refrigerator.
22. Your employer will be happy to see you back!
23. Other people have it much much worse and you can see them on tv and hear them on the radio.
24. You’ll forget most of this by December, when the first blizzard strikes.
Seriously, Buy flood insurance and donate to the Red Cross. We went without power for 4 whole (boohoo) days. Other people have had their homes and towns swept away. Isaac was determined to do damage and sat on us. No one expected a hurricane 1 to do the damage it did. And some people died and some people nearly died when Isaac got ugly.
Thank you to the men and women who restored power, brought in ice and emergency help. The Red Cross really saves lives in these situations.
